will drink beer for fight club

Good evening, well, not really it’s my late night at work. My choices are to watch C-SPAN, do a crossword, search for muscle cars on Craigslist or write a blog and since 99% of the time my choices are the first three, I figured it was high time to tackle the last item on the to-do list. Confessions of a lazy blogger: I started to write a post about the lack of good morals in modern day nail colors a few weeks ago but wasn’t really invested in the outcome. Luckily a much better topic presented itself in the form of “how I got kicked out of a beer drinking contest study and am now too poor for the fight club I joined.”

Let me preface all of this with “I bought a bikini.” Why? Because I hate my friends, I guess. We’re going on a little trip which is coincidentally the weekend of my 35th birthday. The departure from the coveted “28-34 year old” demographic brought on a lot of “feelings” for example “if I’m old enough to both president of the US and ‘advanced maternal age’…. why am I failing at both?”

Obvious solutions are to run for office while getting pregnant, but I lack the dishonesty people skills and clean psych record to be a politician and don’t want to try for a family before going on a 390 mile bike trip/honeymoon, so I had to settle for buying a bikini that is too small because, you know, nothing makes you feel young like a muffin top, bottom, midsection, and side.

To be fair, I am a small up top. To be unfair, I am not a small on the bottom. Thanks, God. A wise woman would have chosen different sizes, an impatient woman buys both in a small and joins a fight club at her gym to make up the difference, ideally in four weeks. Anyway, I am apologizing in advance to my road trip friends, my husband and anyone who hangs out at Banneker Pool.  Sorry guys! I’ll try to build some muscle in the next 21 days and, failing that, I’ll try to sculpt some abs with self tanner. What could go wrong?

Well plenty. First of all, the fitness class I wanted to take is $199 for 8 sessions. That’s all fine and good, but we’re paying off the last bits of our wedding while saving for a honeymoon and possibly a house not to mention louche lifestyles for our imaginary children and of course, my impending presidential campaign. A $30 Target bikini quickly becomes  insanely expensive if you have to sell your few remaining eggs to fit into it. LUCKILY I got an email soliciting participants in a paid ”adult beverages” study- the “honorarium” for which was $200. Yes that’s right. I’m not just breaking even I’M MAKING A DOLLAR. Obviously, I signed up for both immediately, qualifying for the beverages study by claiming to love beer in an online quiz, and for the fitness class by having a heartbeat and paying $199.

What happened next was freaking magical. A man named Walter called me up to certify that I was a good candidate for the beer study. WHY WOULDN’T I BE? Oh yeah, because I might try to get pregnant in the next six months. Any other reservations Walter? Oh yeah, because I don’t really like beer. But, it’s cool because I lied about all of it. If you go back to the tapes (and there are apparently tapes, for quality assurance) you will have me admitting that the only thing equal to my love of beer is my hatred of children. That I drink 50 beers a month, and that my feeling about “when is a good time to enjoy a craft beer” is “any time after five p.m., so, really, right now Walter.”

When asked if I like to drink Harp, I claimed that “oh yeah, I drank at least 5 recently…”

“Just five?” he broke in.

“I meant 10 of those on that holiday… what is it… Irish people like it?”

“St. Patrick’s Day?” Walter asked helpfully.

“Yeah, that! It’s hard for me to remember…. because of all the beers.”

Needless to say, I qualified. Next stop on my agenda was to go ahead and get moving on my fight club membership. Holy crap is that class hard. There are burpees, split squats and ”jumping lunges” which sounds like some kind of dangerous Australian animal.  I hate all of them, but love the way these exercises torch through the calories in the beer I’m NOT DRINKING NOW, because Walter called the day before the beer study was supposed to start and kicked me out of it. Basically it was like, “do not pass Go, do not collect $200 you lying sack of lies.” I told you I wouldn’t be a good politician, Walter saw through my s*** and now I am left holding a bag of jump ropes, twice a week, at the cost of $24.875 a pop. This is my Watergate and I never even got to be Prez. Someone kill me!

Was I steamed? You better believe it. Here’s the email I wrote them directly from my office account… since I’d already done the phone interview regarding my excessive beer consumption in front of my coworkers, it seemed like the right choice.

I was just informed that I am “no longer needed” for a beverage study that is scheduled for Monday. I’ve already asked to leave work early, and was kind of counting on the income. I am extremely disappointed about this late notice. Who was the client? I’d like to know so I never drink their dumb beers again!

Then again, this may just exhibit the lack of judgment that is standing in between me and my presidential aspirations. Whatever! I’ll be able to do a chin up and at least I’m allowed to be the president, unlike the wannabe American Governator.

what do arnold and I have in common?

 

 

all the single ladies- some advice

If you start dating someone new, do not tell them all the secrets of your past. You will never be able to believe your own B.S. again. Case in point, last night we went to a Nats game where a newish policy is in place.  

 During player at bats, fans are not permitted to proceed down aisles from any concourse; aisles are kept clear until an at bat has been completed.  Did you notice this policy at the game you attended?

( x) Yes
( ) No
( ) Not Sure

Please answer question 35 before continuing.

Would you like to see this policy continued?

( ) Yes
( ) No
(x ) Not Sure

feedback:

The woman who was in charge in our section was EXTREMELY unpleasant and enforced this rule selectively. She was pretty rude to me and my friends; I believe she even used her “stop sign” to tap my friend on the arm. Who does that? We went out of our way to avoid her for the rest of the game.

I worked at Fenway right out of college, and never would have behaved that way towards a guest in the park. Furthermore, my family has split season tickets at Camden Yards since the inaugural season and have never been treated with the disrespect or attitude we got from this employee. I’ve always felt comfortable sharing our season tix with friends at Camden Yards, knowing that they’ll be treated courteously at the very least, and often we are treated like family, even by new employees who don’t recognize us from prior seasons. But needless to say we are never bossed around the way we were last night.

My husband and I love the Nats (despite my native love of the Os) and used some of our wedding money to buy a ticket package this year. Last night’s game was outside the package, but it was still a situation where we organized the outing and were more or less hosting. Because I provided the tickets to friends, I felt guilty that they were subjected to this crazy behavior. Honestly, it’s the kind of thing that makes me think twice about investing more money in a ticket package so I hope you take this feedback to heart.

As far as the policy itself goes, I guess it’s “ok” (but not great), and if people like it, feel free to continue but please give your employees mental health screenings prior to deputizing them with those stop signs!

Eric’s response:

Didn’t you put a Chewbacca action figure in someone’s hotdog bun while you were serving Fenway Franks?

Well played Gilliland, well played.

 

 

all the single ladies- some advice

If you start dating someone new, do not tell them all the secrets of your past. You will never be able to believe your own B.S. again. Case in point, last night we went to a Nats game where a newish policy is in place.  

 During player at bats, fans are not permitted to proceed down aisles from any concourse; aisles are kept clear until an at bat has been completed.  Did you notice this policy at the game you attended?

( x) Yes
( ) No
( ) Not Sure

Please answer question 35 before continuing.

Would you like to see this policy continued?

( ) Yes
( ) No
(x ) Not Sure

feedback:

The woman who was in charge in our section was EXTREMELY unpleasant and enforced this rule selectively. She was pretty rude to me and my friends; I believe she even used her “stop sign” to tap my friend on the arm. Who does that? We went out of our way to avoid her for the rest of the game.

I worked at Fenway right out of college, and never would have behaved that way towards a guest in the park. Furthermore, my family has split season tickets at Camden Yards since the inaugural season and have never been treated with the disrespect or attitude we got from this employee. I’ve always felt comfortable sharing our season tix with friends at Camden Yards, knowing that they’ll be treated courteously at the very least, and often we are treated like family, even by new employees who don’t recognize us from prior seasons. But needless to say we are never bossed around the way we were last night.

My husband and I love the Nats (despite my native love of the Os) and used some of our wedding money to buy a ticket package this year. Last night’s game was outside the package, but it was still a situation where we organized the outing and were more or less hosting. Because I provided the tickets to friends, I felt guilty that they were subjected to this crazy behavior. Honestly, it’s the kind of thing that makes me think twice about investing more money in a ticket package so I hope you take this feedback to heart.

As far as the policy itself goes, I guess it’s “ok” (but not great), and if people like it, feel free to continue but please give your employees mental health screenings prior to deputizing them with those stop signs!

Eric’s response:

Didn’t you put a Chewbacca action figure in someone’s hotdog bun while you were serving Fenway Franks?

Well played Gilliland, well played.

 

 

vintagechewbaccaactionfigure

if anyone saw me cracking up during my sister’s Maid of Honor toast, this might have been one of the reasons….

a rare political post

Though my politics are probably pretty clear, I don’t (can’t) post about them much due to my job. I am of the opinion that I shouldn’t have an opinion about the opinion till that opinion is in my hand (I’m looking at you CNN) but so far it seems that Jay Carney’s remarks from yesterday are being upheld. I’m sure no one is more pleasantly surprised than he is right now. Update: OPINION HERE. Carney’s remarks below. 

PS The best opinion I’ve heard so far will remain anonymous! And only makes sense if you’ve seen The Producers:”Springtime, for Obama, in America.”

Q    Thank you.  On health care and the Supreme Court tomorrow, the President yesterday, the last two days, has vigorously defended some of the kind of consumer aspects that are already in effect on health care reform.  He doesn’t talk about the individual mandate and some of the government changes.  Does the President think that popularity of those individual — of those areas that he’s been talking about is enough to justify the constitutionality of the whole act?  And what should we expect tomorrow in terms of presidential reaction?  Will the President make a statement after the Court rules?

MR. CARNEY:  The constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act depends not on public opinion of polls, but on legal precedent, which is well established.  The President has spoken to this.  Many, many legal scholars have spoken to it.  Several very prominent conservative jurists have ruled in favor of the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act because of their view of that precedent.  The fact is the Affordable Care Act gives hardworking middle-class families the security they deserve.  And we are confident that the law is constitutional, and I think that’s what the President has been referring to, and that’s why we’re focused on implementing the law.

We await the Supreme Court decision, as does everyone, but while we do, we continue to implement the law.  And I would note that thanks to the Affordable Care Act, 3.1 million more young adults who otherwise would have been uninsured have health insurance on their parent’s plan, 5.3 million seniors with Medicare have saved $3.7 billion on their prescription drugs, and everyone on Medicare can get preventive services like mammograms for free — again, because of the Affordable Care Act.  And 54 million Americans with private insurance can now receive many preventive services without paying copayments or deductibles.

Since you mentioned it, the mandate, the individual mandate was a product of a conservative think tank.  It was adopted by many leaders in the Republican Party in the ’90s.  It was adopted by and implemented by a Republican governor in Massachusetts.  And while the President opposed it in the campaign he, in the process of crafting a health care reform bill in office, was persuaded by experts in the field that it was the best and most efficient way to ensure that we can bring the largest number of people into and under coverage — getting insurance coverage, and to allow for the — to ensure that those with preexisting conditions get health care coverage. 

And that was the impulse behind it.  Again, it’s not about public opinion of polls; it’s about policy.

marriage is awesome, also food

Eric and I recently celebrated four years together. Sounds like a long time but we’ve only been married for about four minutes. How is it different from dating/living together? We’re wasting  diligently saving ”OUR” money as opposed to “MY” money. It’s kind of the same since we still don’t have much of either. We watch a lot of Friday Night Lights, and instead of emulating Tim Riggins and/or Rally Girls, we try to be more like Tami and Coach Taylor. Sadly, he’s Tami.  And instead of a lot of chatty conversation throughout the day (which often left me more anxious than not in the beginning) we might send one email per day in a “Business Friendly” tone, like this one regarding party preparations.

To: Eric

From: Sarah

Subject: Items

1)      There is a dead something or other on the front porch…  as per usual, I didn’t touch it!

2)      In a manic episode, I did all the floors last night except for the bathroom, dusted off the tv area and the dining room table, and also the wooden table in the kitchen, and tidied the cat area.

3)      The cornbread is by the toaster oven. The coleslaw is in the fridge and dressed, except that it could use a little plain vegetable oil. Maybe stir in 1/3 cup.

4)      I think the house looks really nice! Except for the dead thing!

5)      Chili should be ready for pickup at 7. Ben’s will include spoons, bowls, and napkins.

6)      We could use ice, beer, maybe some liquor and mixers? [And, I just realized: cups] Gin/tonic/limes are popular. For snacks, I’d stick to dips, chips, and maybe some nuts. Cheese and crackers is $$$ for a crowd, require prep, and can be annoying to replenish.

7)      I have high hopes that I will be out of here at a reasonable hour.  I hope you aren’t too tired and are looking forward to tonight.

No fuss, no muss. Where’s the romance you might ask? Well, that’s in the way we trade off who has to clobber the bugs in the bathroom at night. Oh my god. There has been so much brutality this week. Anyone who says global warming isn’t real didn’t see the two “palmetto bugs” crawling up our shower curtain. I thought the most horror movie like item in our bathroom was this moldy loofah… until I used it to crush the entrails out of an insect the size of my fist. We do not get them around our house too much so this was a surprise, and hopefully an anamoly.

Other team projects: We redid some chairs! I had before/during/after pictures, but my phone died so now I only have the after photos. [Actually I still have to take them so the accompanying photo will actually be of another, unrelated team effort. I will replace soon!] It wasn’t an upholstery job- part of the reason why I got the chairs from Craigslist was that I liked the existing fabric. But, the arms and legs were shiny red laquer and that was not looking so hot with our fuschia rug. So we sanded and repainted and now they look excellent.  

Solo projects: I also made my own nutella last night. It’s pretty good, but chunkier than commercial as I tried not to add too much oil and didn’t bother straining it as some recipes call for. The ultimate purpose for making this was the third food item I worked on last night: banana/nutella fudgsicles! I didn’t have enough popsicle molds to make enough for a crowd- just did a few test ones- but I will try to find some on the way home. Otherwise we’re going to have to split 4 among like, twenty people and no one wants HSV1 (or is it 2?) just in time for America’s birthday.

What else has been cooking? Raw kale, like a 1/2 bunch a day. I bought some from the Whole Foods salad bar line to serve as kind of a base for a quinoa, vegetable and shrimp salad and became instantly obsessed. It’s so good! I’m never cooking kale again, well not till baseball season is over and/or the weather gets cool. We love kale but it can get a little expensive to eat, since it cooks down so much and our neighborhood grocery stores have oil lobbyist pricing. Anyway the recipe linked above is a pretty spot on dupe for the Whole Foods version…

Notes: I left out the “nutritional yeast flakes” because, well, duh. It’s great without that fish food. I also cut the dressing in half for one batch, thinking to cut down on the calories from the tahini/oil but you know what? YOU’RE EATING RAW KALE. Live a little and do the whole recipe, it’s awesomer that way. I did cut back on the oil a tiny bit. Anyway, the dressing comes together super fast, would make a great vegetable dip, and it’s nice to have a vegetable side that doesn’t require cooking but feels “beyond salad” if that makes sense. The trick is to really massage it as she says. Do not get lazy people! Massage it like it’s Kerri Strugg’s ankle and she’s got to try to win it all for America. Anyway, a great thing to try this summer when the kitchen is hot.

And speaking of seasonal foods, I made my first batch of lemonade of the season this weekend, that was a nice treat too. This is the same proportion I use, but I dissolve the sugar in 1 cup of hot water first, then add 5 cups cold water and refrigerate. Serve over ice if you can’t wait, obviously. Eric got me this little tool that looks like it would serve some evil purpose on Game of Thrones but in our household, it just juices lemons, and helps release aggression. For a crowd though, I recommend juicing a few lemons and subbing out the rest of the cup with prepared juice from the store. WHATEVER. We are only human.

Thanks for reading this extremely boring post! I know it’s no beer/fight club laugh fest but I’m just building up anticipation for a super dull fascinating expose of bike tour preparation, or maybe a “Best of DC” issue in the following categories: pools, gyms, nail shops and spray tans. You know I roll like real housewife anymore!

amazing discoveries: goth baby names,Taratibu Youth Association, Pearl Dive

There are far more websites for goth baby names than you might expect considering that many goths seem to consider themselves asexual, or are just too despondent to get it on consistently. But it actually makes a lot of sense- babies are teeny tiny screaming dark overlords, so you may as well name them something appropriately scary like Alaric or Tristessa.

Goth Baby Names

More Goth Baby Names

In case you are wondering, I am not pregnant! But if I was, you’d better believe  my kid would be named something goth. My favorite from those lists for a girl was Diamanda (see below), my least favorite was Sangria.  Sangria might mean something really weird or sad (update: “bleeding!”) but it just sounds like something you’d name a baby conceived in a wild night of passion in Myrtle Beach. It doesn’t get any less goth than that. For boys, it’s tougher, because it’s hard to imagine me having any, but my favorite is Mordred, just to make it clear that we mean (dark) business, and least favorite is “Vance,” because of the Dukes of Hazzards’ sad sad stand ins of Season 5, Coy and Vance.

WHO ARE YOU

 Diamanda Galas is a crazy bad a** and I would love to have a daughter just like her. Chances are if I have a kid, she’ll turn out to be smug and boring little jerk like Stephanie Tanner on Full House (HOW RUDE) but, aim high.

my worst nightmare

Meanwhile, we had a big weekend! I went to the Tacklebox ”kid happy hour” in Cleveland Park with my sister and nephew (do not recommend! weird scene there), the Georgetown SFU game (go Hoyas), and African American History Month “Family Day” at the American Art Museum. The Smithsonians usually put together a pretty good spread, and this was no exception. But the best part of Family Day was seeing the Taratibu Youth Association perform songs and dances. They sang in Zulu & Swahili! And stole our hearts. They were so incredible. I said to Laura, “if one of those girls were my daughter, I’d be losing it, crying.” Maybe we did cry, a little. Anyway, I stole a picture from their website! I’m sorry. But it was just too beautiful not to. Those young ladies had a lot going on for themselves.

Later, Eric and I mixed it up with the Capital Bikeshare Folks at their somewhat belated but much needed holiday party. If you were at the Pharmacy Bar on Saturday night and some stranger came up to you with a plate of cake, that was me, my husband, or my friend Mrs. Super Awesome. Email me for the recipe if you liked it!

I usually make breakfast on the weekend, but this Sunday we didn’t feel like doing any dishes at all, so we walked down the street to Pearl Dive. There was a bit of a wait and the servings of food are normal sized (which is usually what I want, but not that day) but it’s a nice place, with a sculpture that looks like a sea beast made of chains. I told Eric I’d be too afraid of it coming alive and whipping us all to death to work there comfortably, but I’m weird.

 

RELEASE THE CRACKEN

There’s also a (much more tasteful than it sounds) oyster trivia game printed on a standard deck of cards which is a good thing, as I’m much better at oyster trivia than I am at “Go Fish.”

PSA: They were advertising an all you can eat/drink crawdad boil on February 20th from 2-4 pm. I don’t think I’ll take that bet, but thought I’d throw it out there.

It’s warm enough outside that our arugala has sprouted. Time for some salads! Have a good week everyone.