plastic surgery!

Actual letter to parents & sister, only partially redacted. Any recs for plastic surgeons in the DC area are welcome. Any recs for procedures I should go ahead and get are NOT. I already hate my pores, nose, crow’s feet, and muffin top enough as it is and don’t need to be told that CONSERVATIVELY a brow lift and 100 units of botox would also be for the best:

Hi there Mom and Dad! Guess what? I think I need a plastic surgeon. Not for the typical Hollywood reasons, I’m actually saving the facelift till I’m at least 37. However, one of my earlobes has split, partially due to a traumatic volleyball/hoop earring accident in 1994, and partially due to me being too cheap and lazy to do anything about it over the past 17 years. I always kind of figured I’d get it done someday and I guess that day has arrived. I must say, it looks kind of awesome though, like I was in a fight on Jerry Springer.  But, Eric seems to find it repulsive so I’ll defer to him.

It’s just my earlobe and it’s looked like crap for years, so, like I really care how it goes other than that it heals with no infection? Hell I’d get it done by a veterinarian if it was legal. So do you have any recommendations for how to pick one? I’m pretty sure this would be out-of-pocket, so I’m wondering if doing it on the Eastern Shore would be more expensive than DC, or less? Should I just suck it up and call________ [someone I went to high school with who is now a plastic surgeon]? I mean what would be more fun than said high school classmate drawing circles on my face and telling me all the other things that I should have fixed because I look 59 years old. Someone kill me!

PS I had to cc Laura on this due to the imagery of that selfsame classmate using a laser pointer to highlight my many flaws. Ideally this would be happening in front of an entire room full of our old classmates, I’m taking a calculus test I forgot to study for and not wearing any pants. Sorry Laura, hope the earlobe part doesn’t make you barf! Also the pantless imagery!

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